Let's Not Get Physical

About an hour after my last blog, my husband and I went out for a bike ride. He insisted. I did my best to convince him to take me to the yogurt shop instead since it was my last day to be bad, but he wanted to ride bikes. A few minutes into the ride I was feeling winded and the top of my thighs were so tight. My heart sank. I have never felt that worked so quickly into a bike ride. “How did I let myself get this far gone?” I thought. We rode on and I did my best to keep up. When we rounded the corner to our street I prayed my husband would stop in front of our house. How in the hell is a simple bike ride so challenging?! It’s never been that hard and I’ve always been fat! We got home, I got off my bike, legs shot, and inspected my bike. The damn tires were almost flat! No wonder it was so hard. It made me feel a little better. We walked into the house and I was ready to plop on the couch, catch my breath and get my heart rate back to normal. Nope. The husband had other plans. We did jumping jacks, planks (actually I only did one real plank), leg lifts, touch touches, sit –ups and more jumping jacks. I told my husband he hated me (because he kept pushing me) and he said, "no we're doing this together." Here I was flailing and there he was, believing in me. It's going to be one of those moments I remember forever. I was struggling so bad, breathing so hard and feeling so sick. I wanted to cry. Not because working out is hard but because I was so out of shape. I wanted to cry for who I had become. I wanted to cry because my body and its abilities did not match, in any way, who I am. I am strong, smart, driven and hard-working and you would never know that looking at my body or seeing how pathetic I looked in my living room red-faced, bent over, gasping for air. I was really disappointed in myself. My comfort was that, “this is where I’m starting, not stopping.”

Yesterday morning I weighed myself. “This is where I’m starting, not stopping” I told myself as the reality of my weight crept in. Maybe after this first month, I will have the courage to tell you my starting weight.

I’m not a morning person or really a breakfast person. I like (love) my coffee in the morning and some days I’d grab a bagel or donut but I’m usually not hungry. I know it’s important to eat breakfast so yesterday I started my day off with a whole grain English muffin with a teaspoon of peanut butter. I’m not wild about peanut butter but I like it for the protein.  It was gross. Not the English muffin, I love those, but the peanut butter just grossed me out. I won’t be eating that combo again.  Lunch was better. I had my pretty mason jar salad (veggies, chickpeas, black beans, spinach and romaine lettuce with 2 tablespoons of light dressing) for lunch with a half cup of cottage cheese and some grape tomatoes. I had a pear for a snack in the afternoon. For dinner I made sautéed veggies and brown rice. Dinner was really good, I must admit. I am starting to appreciate the texture of brown rice now; it used to bother me. I was craving something sweet all day, but I managed to curb my cravings. I had one of those individual chocolate pudding cups. It was delicious and the perfect size. I didn’t exercise last night. I really was exhausted. I didn’t get to sleep until really late the night before and I dreamt that my hair was falling out in giant clumps. I may have been more nervous about the start of this journey than I thought.

Today, so far, has been good and really easy. I had my coffee this morning with an English muffin and just a smidge of grape jelly (delicious). For lunch I had a buffalo chicken patty (not real chicken, a veggie patty) from Morning Star on those 100 calorie thin sandwich bread thingies. It was so good. I love Morning Star. Had my half cup cottage cheese (12g of protein!) with grape tomatoes. For a snack this afternoon I had a pear. I am going to make vegetable chili for dinner tonight. I use black beans, chickpeas, kidney beans, roasted green chili, tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, chili spice mix and just when it’s almost ready, I add some red onion. I just won't be topping mine with cheese tonight. I will make sure I do some form of exercise tonight, too. Maybe bikes again or maybe one of my yoga videos. I really don’t like exercise but I’m hoping one day I will.

This is where I’m starting, not stopping.