Can't Hide My Fat Face Anymore

I don't want to be another “I'm going to lose weight in 2014!” cliché.  But! After seeing pictures of myself from a friend’s party and New Year’s Eve...it just kind of slapped me in face.

 

The thing is, I really do want to get pregnant this year and I don't think I can with this weight on me. I am at an allllll time high. I did the math and realized that I've gained 79lbs in 10 years! 79 pounds! And it could be more, I haven't weighed myself in about a month. I feel so overwhelmed but I have a different mindset this time. I don't want to lose weight to get to some magic number on the scale or size of jeans. I don't want to lose weight so people find me attractive. I want to lose weight because I don't feel good. I don't feel good about my body, my health and honestly I am feeling much too old, physically, for my age. I don't want to lose x amount of weight by my birthday or any crap like that. I realistically need to lose close to 100 pounds. This s is going to take a long time. I don't want the weight to come off fast, I want it to stay off.

 

I realized that I’m not going on a diet, or one of my “I’m going to start eating healthy” kicks. I am about to embark on a journey. I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy but it’s true. I have a long way to go, it’s scary, it’s going to be really hard and take a lot of time. That sounds like a journey to me. I just feel different about it this time. I know that I’m going to do it. I want to feel good about myself and my body. I want to feel better physically and I can’t. Just cannot gain any more weight. I don’t think I could handle it. If I don’t start now, I will get bigger.

 

I find it puzzling that just last year I gave up meat cold-turkey (no pun intended) and haven’t struggled with it a bit but if I tried to start eating healthy, it lasted maybe 3 days and then I was over it. I quit eating meat because I felt bad about the way the majority of the animals that were bred to be food lived and ultimately died. I thought there were more humane ways to go about it. Being the animal lover that I am, not eating meat just felt natural. I think I was successful because I was passionate. I felt better physically and that kept me going, too. I didn’t try to change the world or convince others to quit eating meat. I just did it for me. For my piece of mind.

 

I just realized that I never mentioned my husband. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me, he’s my best friend and I can’t think of anything that makes me feel better than hearing him say he’s proud of me. But, I can’t do this for him. And I know now that I’m not; because I didn’t say a thing about losing weight for him.

 

The only way I’m going to tackle this journey is if I am only truly doing it for me. For my piece of mind. I will. I really want to know what it feels like to be proud of my body, health and strength. That’s the thing too, I want to be strong. I want to be able to run, jump, climb, all sorts of things. If the zombie apocalypse happened, I’d be one of the first to go. That pisses me off.

 

Here’s to kicking ass.