Don't Stop Believin'

Life is catching up with me. I'm starting to get in the swing of things with school. It's a lot of work and takes up a huge chunk of my free time (which let's be real, is damn near non-existent). I'm still on track with my diet, there are days that could have been better, but I'm proud of myself. What I'm struggling with the most right now is making the time to plan and prepare my meals. I've gotten lazy and find myself eating a lot of the same things. I'm ok with it for now, but I know eventually I'm going to sick of it. I'm getting a head of myself, though and I need to continue to take life one day at a time.

I weighed myself on Monday morning. I lost another 4.5 pounds for a grand total of 6 pounds! I am really pleased with that. I know that I am not in any kind of race, but I can't wait until my total pounds lost is a two-digit number. It's so motivating to keep going. I feel better already. I really do. I know a lot of it is that I'm putting better and less things in my body but I don't feel nearly as bloated as I did before. I'm eating a lot less too. The first week especially I had to stop myself or portion out exactly what I should eat. Now I'm getting full on much less food than I would have before. It feels really good.

Even though I am tired, miss spending time with my family, have had to cancel plans with friends, am desperately craving some "me" time and can get cranky here and there, I am really happy that I've started to lose weight and remain motivated. I may not have the same level of enthusiasm as I did two weeks ago, but I'm not quitting.

Blinders

This week I started really trying to look at life one day at a time. I think it's helping. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I thought I would. Don't get me wrong, I still stress, but I don't let it eat at me.

This whole eating/drinking healthy and smaller portions is not as difficult as I thought, either. I mean, in terms of my willpower. I still have to plan and prep but my mind is not getting the best of me this time. I actually have been craving cottage cheese and tomatoes. Cottage cheese used to totally gross me out. I crave fresh salads full of vegetables. It's awesome. I do always want something sweet after lunch but I just remind myself of my mission and drink some more water.

I still have a long day a head of me (I go to school after work until 8:30pm). I know that I would have a much harder time, energy and focus wise, if I was still eating and drinking like crap and eating meat. It's been a while since I've actually gone to classes in person (I've done a lot of online courses) and I was struggling a lot more than I am now. I'm still exhausted when I get home, but I'm not totally done before I even get there. Maybe it's just my new attitude. Maybe both.

Back In The Saddle Again

It's been a while since I have posted. Don't worry, I didn't quit! It's been so busy in my world. Last week I had some major work deadlines I was up against and we went out of town for my husband's birthday this past weekend.

Last week was stressful and I could have handled the stress better, but I didn't cave. I did however, weigh myself. I was having a tough time and hoped the scale would give me good news. It did. I was down 4 pounds by Thursday or Friday. Then we went out of town. We went to a one horse town with a general store, restaurant and saloon. I'm sure you can guess what our weekend consisted of. Yes. Eating and drinking and just hanging out with our friends. I didn't totally stay on track but I didn't burn the wagon either. I brought some food with us and ate that instead of some of the delicious and unhealthy options we had. I didn't stay away from beer but I didn't drink like a fish. Honestly, I think I did a pretty good job and didn't completely lose sight of what's important to me.

I've decided that I want to and will weigh myself weekly. Monday mornings. I think I already know this is going to be a long journey. I need the little lost pounds of motivation along the way. I weighed myself yesterday morning and the weekend did catch up with me but it did not completely take away my hard work that week. I have lost 1.5 pounds. Not the greatest number, I know, but I will gladly take it. If I had really stuck to my plan I am sure it would have been more, but I was spontaneous enough, enjoyed myself and still lost weight. I am really cool with that.

Now that I'm back to reality I am completely back on track. This week is a little chaotic for me, I must admit. Being gone all weekend didn't allow me the time to grocery shop and prepare meals. I also go back to school, full-time, in addition to my full-time job. Thinking about everything makes me anxious but I remind myself to take everything one day at a time.

Let's Not Get Physical

About an hour after my last blog, my husband and I went out for a bike ride. He insisted. I did my best to convince him to take me to the yogurt shop instead since it was my last day to be bad, but he wanted to ride bikes. A few minutes into the ride I was feeling winded and the top of my thighs were so tight. My heart sank. I have never felt that worked so quickly into a bike ride. “How did I let myself get this far gone?” I thought. We rode on and I did my best to keep up. When we rounded the corner to our street I prayed my husband would stop in front of our house. How in the hell is a simple bike ride so challenging?! It’s never been that hard and I’ve always been fat! We got home, I got off my bike, legs shot, and inspected my bike. The damn tires were almost flat! No wonder it was so hard. It made me feel a little better. We walked into the house and I was ready to plop on the couch, catch my breath and get my heart rate back to normal. Nope. The husband had other plans. We did jumping jacks, planks (actually I only did one real plank), leg lifts, touch touches, sit –ups and more jumping jacks. I told my husband he hated me (because he kept pushing me) and he said, "no we're doing this together." Here I was flailing and there he was, believing in me. It's going to be one of those moments I remember forever. I was struggling so bad, breathing so hard and feeling so sick. I wanted to cry. Not because working out is hard but because I was so out of shape. I wanted to cry for who I had become. I wanted to cry because my body and its abilities did not match, in any way, who I am. I am strong, smart, driven and hard-working and you would never know that looking at my body or seeing how pathetic I looked in my living room red-faced, bent over, gasping for air. I was really disappointed in myself. My comfort was that, “this is where I’m starting, not stopping.”

Yesterday morning I weighed myself. “This is where I’m starting, not stopping” I told myself as the reality of my weight crept in. Maybe after this first month, I will have the courage to tell you my starting weight.

I’m not a morning person or really a breakfast person. I like (love) my coffee in the morning and some days I’d grab a bagel or donut but I’m usually not hungry. I know it’s important to eat breakfast so yesterday I started my day off with a whole grain English muffin with a teaspoon of peanut butter. I’m not wild about peanut butter but I like it for the protein.  It was gross. Not the English muffin, I love those, but the peanut butter just grossed me out. I won’t be eating that combo again.  Lunch was better. I had my pretty mason jar salad (veggies, chickpeas, black beans, spinach and romaine lettuce with 2 tablespoons of light dressing) for lunch with a half cup of cottage cheese and some grape tomatoes. I had a pear for a snack in the afternoon. For dinner I made sautéed veggies and brown rice. Dinner was really good, I must admit. I am starting to appreciate the texture of brown rice now; it used to bother me. I was craving something sweet all day, but I managed to curb my cravings. I had one of those individual chocolate pudding cups. It was delicious and the perfect size. I didn’t exercise last night. I really was exhausted. I didn’t get to sleep until really late the night before and I dreamt that my hair was falling out in giant clumps. I may have been more nervous about the start of this journey than I thought.

Today, so far, has been good and really easy. I had my coffee this morning with an English muffin and just a smidge of grape jelly (delicious). For lunch I had a buffalo chicken patty (not real chicken, a veggie patty) from Morning Star on those 100 calorie thin sandwich bread thingies. It was so good. I love Morning Star. Had my half cup cottage cheese (12g of protein!) with grape tomatoes. For a snack this afternoon I had a pear. I am going to make vegetable chili for dinner tonight. I use black beans, chickpeas, kidney beans, roasted green chili, tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, chili spice mix and just when it’s almost ready, I add some red onion. I just won't be topping mine with cheese tonight. I will make sure I do some form of exercise tonight, too. Maybe bikes again or maybe one of my yoga videos. I really don’t like exercise but I’m hoping one day I will.

This is where I’m starting, not stopping.

Tonight We Dined In Hell

My journey begins tomorrow. I am a planner so naturally I needed the weekend to create somewhat of a menu and a shopping list. I needed to make sure I was organized. That phrase, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" really does apply here. So I got my grocery shopping done, got a few extra food storage containers, have my first three days of meals mapped out and what exercise I will do.  

Now, I wouldn't exactly say that I binged all weekend on terrible food, but I made sure that I ate and drank what I think I will miss the most on my journey. I had beer, pizza, soda, bread, Mexican food and plan on making it to the frozen yogurt place later tonight. When I've been in this spot before, I really did binge. And I was really sad about having to deny myself the things I enjoy. This time around, I could really care less. Ok. The soda is going to suck and if I'm being honest, the beer will too. But the food, I just don't care. I could see my face getting wider and feel my jeans getting tighter just looking at what I was about to eat. I told you, this time it feels different. 

My husband is being really supportive and wants to get healthier himself. I think it's awesome he is going to be making some changes with me. But, one thing I haven't mentioned is that I am a smoker. I know, I know. He said if I really wanted to get healthy the first thing I should do is quit smoking. And he's right. And this could be an excuse or a crutch or whatever you want to call it, but I want to focus on eating and drinking right and getting active first. I know that as I lose weight and as my body gets stronger, my limited lung capacity is going to slow me down. I know it will happen. And when it does, I will quit. I'm not ready to quit smoking just yet. If I'm not ready, I won't be successful even if I tried. I'm ready to lose weight. I will be successful. I am happy taking things one step at a time and even if people think I'm doing it all backwards, so what. I'm not doing it for other people. 

My plan is (I really am a planner) to weigh myself first thing tomorrow morning. It scares the crap out of me. I just know it's going to be a much bigger number than I think it should be. Whatever. It's where I'm starting. I've heard and read arguments on both sides about weighing yourself daily and weekly. I've heard it's better to measure yourself and not worry about the scale. I've decided to weigh myself monthly and if I can find some measuring tape around the house I will do that too. My journey is going to be a long one and I think weighing myself monthly will help me keep that in mind. I am not on a deadline and this isn't a race. I do know it's important to have short term goals as well. My first short term goal is to get through the first month without giving up. That's it. I know that I need to have patience and perseverance so not giving up the first month seems to be a fitting goal. Even though tomorrow isn't the first of the month, I will weigh myself in the morning on the first of every month from here on out. I want to keep my name private so I don't feel like I have to censor myself but some of you know who I am. I haven't decided if I will blog my weight, I feel like I should but I don't know how ready I am to let it all hang out. 

I am really happy I created this blog. I believe it will help keep me motivated and maybe it might motivate others. Although I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful, I'm thankful to have a place to whine and complain as I experience the difficulties of such a long and hard journey. 

I'm excited and ready to get going. 

Can't Hide My Fat Face Anymore

I don't want to be another “I'm going to lose weight in 2014!” cliché.  But! After seeing pictures of myself from a friend’s party and New Year’s Eve...it just kind of slapped me in face.

 

The thing is, I really do want to get pregnant this year and I don't think I can with this weight on me. I am at an allllll time high. I did the math and realized that I've gained 79lbs in 10 years! 79 pounds! And it could be more, I haven't weighed myself in about a month. I feel so overwhelmed but I have a different mindset this time. I don't want to lose weight to get to some magic number on the scale or size of jeans. I don't want to lose weight so people find me attractive. I want to lose weight because I don't feel good. I don't feel good about my body, my health and honestly I am feeling much too old, physically, for my age. I don't want to lose x amount of weight by my birthday or any crap like that. I realistically need to lose close to 100 pounds. This s is going to take a long time. I don't want the weight to come off fast, I want it to stay off.

 

I realized that I’m not going on a diet, or one of my “I’m going to start eating healthy” kicks. I am about to embark on a journey. I know that sounds ridiculously cheesy but it’s true. I have a long way to go, it’s scary, it’s going to be really hard and take a lot of time. That sounds like a journey to me. I just feel different about it this time. I know that I’m going to do it. I want to feel good about myself and my body. I want to feel better physically and I can’t. Just cannot gain any more weight. I don’t think I could handle it. If I don’t start now, I will get bigger.

 

I find it puzzling that just last year I gave up meat cold-turkey (no pun intended) and haven’t struggled with it a bit but if I tried to start eating healthy, it lasted maybe 3 days and then I was over it. I quit eating meat because I felt bad about the way the majority of the animals that were bred to be food lived and ultimately died. I thought there were more humane ways to go about it. Being the animal lover that I am, not eating meat just felt natural. I think I was successful because I was passionate. I felt better physically and that kept me going, too. I didn’t try to change the world or convince others to quit eating meat. I just did it for me. For my piece of mind.

 

I just realized that I never mentioned my husband. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me, he’s my best friend and I can’t think of anything that makes me feel better than hearing him say he’s proud of me. But, I can’t do this for him. And I know now that I’m not; because I didn’t say a thing about losing weight for him.

 

The only way I’m going to tackle this journey is if I am only truly doing it for me. For my piece of mind. I will. I really want to know what it feels like to be proud of my body, health and strength. That’s the thing too, I want to be strong. I want to be able to run, jump, climb, all sorts of things. If the zombie apocalypse happened, I’d be one of the first to go. That pisses me off.

 

Here’s to kicking ass.